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| Plight of children |
My mother was an addict. She has never admitted to that fact. She and my dad had lot of fights when I was a child. We kids were used as pawns in their war game. Then one morning our dad left, never to come back. My mother’s drug use became worse. I always wondered whether or not I was responsible for these circumstances. Being the elder of three kids I automatically took responsibility for bringing them up and making up to them for the lack of parents. My mother died of over dose after a year. Now, I am 35 and have two kids of my own. I have this affliction that whenever the slightest thing happens, I always say I am so sorry. I am sorry when the milkman doesn’t turn up, sorry that the neighbor’s dog barked all night and my children couldn’t sleep. I just want to take the blame for everything, even things I have no control over.
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As alcoholism progresses, the spouse becomes increasingly pre-occupied and overly involved with the dependent .This pre-occupation is called co-dependency. For children in the family, the combination of dependency and co-dependency results in neither parent being responsive and available on a consistent, predictable basis. Children are affected not only by the dependent parent, but also by the non dependent parent and by the abnormal family dynamics prevailing as a consequence of addiction.
The alcoholic family has been described broadly as one of chaos, inconsistency, unpredictability, unclear roles, arbitrariness, changing limits, arguments, repetitious and illogical thinking, and perhaps violence and incest. The family is dominated by the presence and the denial of alcoholism. The alcoholism becomes a major family secret, most often denied inside the family and certainly denied to outsiders. This secret becomes a governing principle around which the family organizes its adaptations, its coping strategies, and its shared beliefs, to maintain its structure and hold the family together.
Obviously, having lived day to day in a family that is like this can continue to affect the child even as an adult. Research shows that children of alcoholics have high pre-disposition to become alcoholics in their adulthood or end up marrying an alcoholic/addict. In cases where children of alcoholics neither become an alcoholic, nor married an alcoholic, emotional and psychological patterns surfaced which may cause problems for them in adulthood. They often behave in one of the following ways. |
- Become super responsible like a miniature adult
- Become flexible and adjust to the circumstances of the day without any fuss or resistance
- Become a family clown or distracter whenever a tense situation occurs
- Become a peace maker or placater, he is the family comforter who often tries to make others in the home feel better
- Become a trouble maker or the acting out child who does poorly at school, drink at age 12, experiment with drugs and alcohol, be expelled from school or exhibit other socially unacceptable behavior
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These children go through various feelings such as
Guilt The child may see himself or herself as the main cause of the mother's or father's drinking.
Anxiety The child may worry constantly about the situation at home. He or she is afraid the alcoholic parent will become sick or injured, and may also fear fights and violence between the parents.
Embarrassment Parents may give the message that there is a terrible secret at home. The ashamed child does not invite friends home and is afraid to ask anyone for help.
Inability to have close relationships Because the child has been disappointed by the drinking parent many times, he or she often does not trust others.
Confusion The alcoholic parent will change suddenly from being loving to angry, regardless of the child's behavior. A regular daily schedule, which is very important for a child, does not exist because bedtimes and mealtimes are constantly changing.
Anger The child feels anger at the alcoholic parent for drinking, and may be angry at the non-alcoholic parent for lack of support and protection.
Depression The child feels lonely and helpless to change the situation. |
| These children often retain their patterns in adulthood. The super responsible child may grow into an adult who demands perfectionism. The adjusting child may become passive and withdrawn, the family clown may become irresponsible and evading feelings. These adult children often exhibit one or more of the following traits in adulthood. |
- Guessing at what normal behavior is.
- Having difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
- Lying when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
- Judging themselves without mercy.
- Having difficulty having fun.
- Taking themselves very seriously.
- Having difficulty with intimate relationships.
- Overreacting to changes over which they have no control.
- Constantly seeking approval and affirmation.
- Usually feeling that they are different from other people.
- Extreme responsibility or irresponsibility.
- Extreme loyalty, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
- Impulsivity - tending to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
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| Resurgence believes that all children raised in Alcoholic families are affected and need to be addressed irrespective of the roles they take. The first step in dealing with being the child of an alcoholic (or in dealing with any problem arising from a dysfunctional family) is to become aware of the issues. For some people, just knowing how growing up in an alcoholic home affects them, allows them to understand themselves in a new way. Professional help is important in preventing more serious problems for the child and to help them understand that they are not responsible for their parent’s problems. |
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