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| Plight of family |
Everything about Ramona’s house looked clean and orderly. Two freshly scrubbed children emerged every morning for the school bus about the same time Ramona left for her high profile job in a multi national company. Every Sunday, they would be dutifully present in church. Although Ramona’s husband Mayenk was away from home a lot, friends accepted her explanation that his work required him to travel for extended periods.
Part of her job required her to attend parties where she would make an appearance but for a short while. When it was her turn to throw a party she would do so at some fancy restaurant. None of her colleagues had actually ever been invited to her place but all assumed that the interiors were as polished as her front yard.
One day, however, the public image shattered as her colleagues turned up at her place unannounced only to find her husband, sloppily dressed passed out in the front hall reeking of alcohol and furniture strewn around.
The family secret was out about Mayenk’s alcoholism. Ramona and her kids were mortified. She did not report for work but her resignation came in
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Alcoholism affects more than the problem drinker. It affects the family as well. Rigid roles and enabling behaviors constrict those who are in a relationship with an alcoholic.
The affect of alcoholism in the home are boundless: loss of income, unpredictability, inability to plan for future, isolation, domestic violence, physical and sexual abuse to name a few.
The family members go through turmoil of emotions from anger, shame, helplessness, guilt, hatred, fear and frustration. They try to hide the problem acting like nothing is wrong hoping that no one would notice and things will change on its own. They try to fix the situation by covering for the alcoholic. They call in sick for him and make excuses for his absence at social gatherings.
There is also a lot of unpredictability in the spouse’s behavior. One minute the spouse is screaming at him, threatening him from divorce to death, the next minute she may be compassionately rescuing him from the consequences of his latest episode- dutifully cleaning up his messes, making excuses for him, and accepting an increasing degree of unacceptable behavior.
The family finds it easier to play along than to confront the issue. . If a person confronts the issue, then he or she has to make choices: 'Do I leave or stay? Do I go to a group or counselor? I have to deal with what others think, how this makes me look, what the kids are going to say and feel. I would also have to confront my anger, feelings of betrayal and grief.'"
Furthermore, focusing on the alcoholic as the family ‘scapegoat’ keeps other family members from examining their own faults. "The more I look at your faults, the better mine look". For example, "scapegoating" the alcoholic may cover up for the fact that other family members manage money poorly and are unorganized or lazy.
Although family members may claim to want change, they are often addicted to the chaos that occurs in alcoholic homes. The crisis atmosphere becomes their comfort zone and creates a strong attraction to the roller-coaster ride of unpredictability. While kind of family life is very unhealthy, it has a sort of stability to it. |
The alcoholic families grow to think like this
- I will not speak up for myself
- I will deny how serious situations are so I wont have to face them
- I will settle for inferior relationships. I don’t deserve to have quality people in my life.
- If I was a better person my husband/father wouldn’t drink
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The family rarely realizes that by protecting the alcoholic by little lies and deception to the outside world, they have created a situation which makes it easier for the alcoholic to continue and progress in the downward spiral. Rather than helping the alcoholic, they enable him, to grow worse. |
| Role playing |
The role that the non-alcoholic spouse/co-dependent plays is not well defined. Depending upon the circumstances, the spouse may fall into one of these roles or may switch back and forth between them all.
The following describes an incident that could be an example of an alcoholic’s behavior and below are given examples of reactions to it. |
| The alcoholic comes home late and he is drunk, too drunk in fact to get the key into the front door lock. After several futile attempts, he decides that it is a lost cause. Since he does not want anyone in the house to know that he is too drunk to unlock his own door, he makes a brilliant decision that solves his problem. He goes to sleep in the front yard! |
| The rescuer |
The "rescuer" doesn't let the incident become a "problem." Since she has been waiting up for him anyway, she goes out in the yard, gets the alcoholic up, cleans him up, and puts him into bed. That way the neighbors never see him passed out in the flower bed!
She never mentions the incident to him or anybody else. If anyone else mentions it, she denies there is a problem. She lies for him, covers up for his mistakes, and protects him from the world.
As the problems increase and his drinking gets worse, she takes on responsibilities that were once his. She may get a job or work extra hours to pay the bills. And if he gets in trouble with the law, she will move heaven and earth to come up with his bail. |
| The Provoker |
The "provoker" reacts by punishing the drunk for his actions. She either waits for him to wake up the next morning and gives it to him with both barrels, or she goes out and turns the water sprinklers on!
She scolds, ridicules, and belittles. She nags. She screams insults at him loud enough for everyone to hear. She gets on the telephone and tells all her friends he's a loser. She is angry and she makes sure that the alcoholic and everybody else knows it. Or she gives him the cold shoulder and doesn't speak to him. She threatens to leave.
She doesn't let it go, either. The anger and resentment continue to build as these incidents become more frequent. She never lets him forget his transgressions. She holds it against him and uses it as a weapon in future arguments -- even months or years later. |
| The martyr |
The "martyr" is ashamed of the alcoholic's behavior and she lets him know it by her actions or words. She cries and tells him, "You've embarrassed us again in front of the whole neighborhood!"
She sulks, pouts, and isolates. She gets on the telephone with her friends and tearfully describes the misery that he has caused her this time! Or she is so ashamed of it she avoids her friends and any mention of the incident.
Slowly she becomes more withdrawn and depressed. She may not say much about it to the alcoholic, but she lets him know with her actions that she is ashamed of him. Quietly she tries to make him feel guilty for his behavior. |
| No matter what role the spouse may be playing, he/she is trying to make the situation better but the truth is that they are contributing to the problem and enabling it to worsen. |
| Through personal counseling or participating in support groups, the family member can learn new ways of relating in a setting where you can listen and talk as well as be accountable. The other family members can begin to recover whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. But it can’t happen until somebody picks up the phone and asks for help. |
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