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| Plight of Addict |
I have suffered from chronic alcoholism for just about 20 years of my life. I am 43 years old so one can do the math and understand that that is a good period of my life. In this time I have lost jobs, been in many fistfights where my life was literally in danger, i have lost feeling in my limbs periodically and, most of all, in terms of regrets, I lost my wife and more than than, the ability to care for her as well as other human beings. For me alcoholism made me more selfish than i ever thought i was capable of...that is, I believed i was superior, nobdody understood me, nobody cared about me and that I could simply go at life alone without regard for people or laws or anything else that a civilized, mature human being would regard as normal behavior. I couldnt appreciate a sunset or a walk in a park or the most simple peasures that life had to offer...i was always consumed by the question of where and when i could get a beer to enhance "the experience". It therefore never ended up being about the sunset or the walk...i always thought the sunset and the walk would be better and magnified if i had a drink in my hands, yet, inevitably, with the drinks in my hand i forgot about the sunsets and the walk itself and simply limped through another hangover.
life is funny that way for us alcoholics, i always thought that life was bigger, better, more colorful and more intriguing if i had a drink in my hand. I could never sit still and be content with who i was not to mention the world at large. I could be with the most beautiful woman in the world who i worshipped like a goddess , yet i always wanted more...nothing was ever enough.
In public, i was always that guy who thought he was in charge of the party, yet more and more as i grew older , i was in fact, the sad reminder that the party and the people had moved on without me. Depression touches everyone at times in their lives, yet as an alcoholic, it was almost a way of life...for those of you that are not addicted, imagine liveing every waking moment depressed to the extent that drinking, and poisoning yourself is your only refuge. Until, one day you wake up and simply are tired of being sick and depressed as a constant feature of your life. Family have left you, jobs have left you or you go to work sick and unhappy and shake and wait for quitting time to quench your thirst. |
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